Here I Am, Lord: Again, Surrendering
Oh Lord, my God, how my life has unfolded over the past five years has been a continual process of surrender—again and again. I have surrendered what drives me, whether it be romantic relationships, academics, my career, hobbies, community, or family and friends—you name it! I tried to find a sense of security in these things, but whenever I came close, you dismantled what I had built, sending me back to square one. Some believe that Satan is tormenting me, but I know that only YOU possess the power to do even the unthinkable things that I know and believe You can do—whether they benefit me directly or cause pain in the present due to a lack of understanding. However, the strongest force in my life—one that I struggled to let go of—was knowing my purpose and understanding how you wanted me to live each day. I became so hungry to know why I existed on this Earth that I failed to see I only existed—and lived—because of you.
The Bible says [Genesis 1:7], ‘I am nothing; you created me out of the very thing that Satan was given power to devour [Genesis 3:14].’ Yet that represents only a fraction of me—one part that is dead and inactive, yet somehow finds a way to come back to life and drive me according to the counsel of my flesh’s heart (lust). But Father, you also created me with the breath of life. I am alive only because of the breath of Jesus; when Jesus breathes, I move, and when Jesus speaks, I soar. Without the word of God, I am nothing—buried six feet under, stagnant like a coffin underground. I am a living soul, and my soul should be encapsulated only by your breath, Jesus, and by hearing your voice, yet at times I find that is not the case.
To see you bless others, lift them up, and use them while I sit here wondering why you aren’t using me—why you aren’t helping me—has been challenging. Why must I walk alone? Why must I learn alone? Where are the spiritual parents you have chosen—those who carry a familiar spirit—in whom I can confide and who can nurture and build me up? How long will I be in a desolate land?
It took me a long time to realize that where you deserted me left me with only one option: to accept your invitation to intimately get to know you and join this voyage where you are taking me—where the focus isn’t on my destination but on my experience with you before I arrive. This journey allows me to learn the parts of you that you will reveal, to hear your voice, and to listen to your prophetic stories concerning my life that will materialize on Earth. What I once sought—romantic partners and other sources of security and purpose—turned out to be a misunderstanding, an indication that I was walking in darkness without a compass. Now, I understand that your invitation was meant for me to find security and purpose in you. You wanted me to know you as my hiding place, my safe haven. The enemy used those things I once sought as a wind to push me away from you, but here, in your refuge, they no longer move me. Whatever is meant for me will find me as I continue this journey with you.
You helped me understand that I must earnestly seek you as my hiding place and rely on your word to anchor me so that I can learn to wait on you—truly finding joy in waiting together with you, Jesus. Here, you protect me from every wicked device the enemy employs to make me stray from the path you preordained. In this place, I have the power to make decisions that enable me to overcome these devices and to speak clearly and boldly, even when I dislike my current circumstances because I know my God, His word, and what He has revealed to me. The enemy can no longer use worldly, tangible, or materialistic things to move me; he won't know the difference between the breath of Jesus and my breath.
I say, “Here I am again, Lord,” because I’m surrendering my zeal to know my purpose and what I’m called to do. I trust that you will reveal it to me, but until that revelation comes, give me an obsession to learn more about you. Let that obsession match the jealousy you feel for me when I am unfaithful to you. It’s me and you, and you and me, Jesus—there is nobody else. You live in me, and from today I want to understand why you live in me so specifically. What is unique about me—my upbringing, the woman I am today, the doors of opportunity you have opened thus far, the family I come from? What about me, Jesus? Who are you? Not just as the protector, provider, and lover of my soul that we all know, but who are you when you dwell in me and in the world that you have created?
May I see more of you, Jesus? May my eyes no longer be dim, showing how far I’ve wandered away from your light [truth].
And when the day finally comes and you call me, you lift me up as your elect in the place you want access to, —it will be unmistakable—black and white— so clear that I won’t have any doubts. I’ll know exactly what you want to do because of the knowing within me; I’ll know as much of you as you choose to share with me.
I love you, Lord. I will never grow tired of singing my praises and thanking you for saving my life over and over and over again.